Rants of a Rebecca

A constant reminder of just

Well there I was on Friday night driving home, just minding my own business, when I saw it. That one thing that brings terror in to the most disconcerting citizen, the flash of blue and red Police lights behind me. Instantly I broke into a sweat, what had I done? I'm sure that light was green? Is my rego paid? Do I have outstanding fines? Will they ask why I have a body in my boot? I pulled over to the side of the road, into a No Standing zone. I was done for sure. My weekend would be spent in a gaol cell now. The officer waited in his car for what seemed like hours. My need to go to the toilet grew, finally he stepped out of the car, as a huddle of Japanese tourists started taking photos. "Evening, just a random license check." He said to me in a friendly manner. "Umm, ok, I'll just find it for you. Is it ok that I'm here? I just noticed this is a No Standing zone." I nervously replied. It is hard to talk when the gaps in the flashing blue and red lights are taken up by camera flashes. He walked off back to his car. My need to go to the toilet grew, now not only was my bladder calling out, but my bowels as well. Eventually the officer returned. "Well that all checks out ok, just need you to do a random breath test." He said with the kind of smirk that he had just taken down my details. This wasn't a random check, it was a pick up. I blew into the bag, zero zero, as usual. I was on my way, and so were the tourists. The sweat stopped running down my face, and I made good use of my freedom. I continued on my way home, avoiding the freeway, which was having bridge works done, so was down to one lane. When I was finally about ten minutes down the road, I had regained my composure from my earlier run in with the police, the night was again mine. Suddenly as I rounded over the railway overpass, there was a Booze Bus. Cars were waved past, but I was directed into the testing lane. "Just a random Breath test" said the perky new Police Officer. My eyes rolled back. Twice in one night, I couldn't believe it. "No problems at all," I replied, "Just did this ten minutes ago in the city." The Officer laughed, a sort of semi evil laugh, "Yeah, it happens like that sometimes, but we still need you to do it." As I blew into the bag, I got a very firm reminder that my bladder and bowel were calling out to me. Oh the pain. I need to get on my way, get home and make use of the toilet. Once again, I blew zero zero, and I was free to go. Directly I proceeded, in a fast and orderly fashion, but never exceeding the speed limit, to my home. I turned onto the freeway, avoiding the roadworks, and shortly there after took my exit. My internal homing device was working well. Not only now was my bowel and bladder pushing harder and harder, giving me a constant reminder of just how close I was to my home, but they had joined together and formed their own theatre company. Opening production "Screaming Out!" I exited the freeway, and made my way over the bridge, to find...... ANOTHER BOOZE BUS!!! I waited in line, waiting my turn. My bowel and bladder had moved into the second act of their performance, staging a coup, with violence. "Good evening, how are you tonight. Just a random breath test." Said the Police officer. By now my B and B had taken over my body, they were not to be contained anymore. "YES, I know what it is. I've had heaps of practice tonight on these things, this is the third bloody time tonight, and I've never even tried alcohol in my entire life, let alone in the last five minutes!" The officer was a bit taken back, but I still had to do the test. She made it happen as quickly as possible, so I could get on my way, and let my bladder and bowel finally have peace. But it wasn't the end of it. The car in front of me needed to be pulled over to the side of the road, they had been naughty, they had been drinking. This was going to take a while. By now, my bladder and bowel were into the third and final act, they were singing their swan song. Not long to go now, and it would be a case of exiting the building. I made it through my front door just in time. By carefully holding my breath, crossing my legs, and clenching my bum cheeks, I managed to make it to the toilet, with my dignity intact. I learnt my lesson that night, drinking is just not worth it. Blog Out HooRoo Rebecca

posted by Rebecca @ 11/28/2005 12:57:00 pm 5 Wise Cracks

Arrr, I be tagged!

Well Misha has decided to tag me, thanks for letting me know Misha. Oh well, I guess I should stop complaining and just get on with it. Ten Years Ago I was finally pleasing my parents by actually dating someone. They had always complained that I must have been somewhat gay, because I had never had a date. Not, it was just a case of not being interested in anyone or anything. About a year after that, I was expecting my first son, and doing the church bells thing Five Years Ago Well the big millennium New Years Eve was happening. Everyone was out partying, having a great time, except me. I spent the changeover of centuries under sort of house arrest, with a broken nose, which had recently been fixed. Because of infection in previous attempts to fix my nose, I was house bound for two weeks. One Year Ago Restarting my life in a big way. Things were finally getting into place for me, and life was beginning to be a life and not just an existence. It is a fight I am still fighting, but one that will have a final bell soon. In the end, I will be the winner. Five Yummy Things Anything I cook Sunnyboys Chocolate Yabbies Fresh orange juice Five Songs I Know By Heart Come Together - Beatles White Line/Black Day - Little Murders One of these days - Imani Coppola Happy Birthday - Trad. Italian Plastic - Crowded House Five Things I Would Do With A Lot Of Money Buy my own tram, an A class. Get a boat Have a property that was native forest Get matching furniture Clear my debts Five Things I Would Never Wear Green (in public) A Tuxedo Leg warmers A pilot's uniform Second Day Underwear Five Favourite Television Shows Mythbusters House Beyond 2000 Humphrey B Bear MASH Five Things I Enjoy Doing Playing Cricket Listening to Beatles Albums Photography Cooking Motorbiking Five People I Want To Inflict This On Well you can all make up your own minds. I have to go have a shower. Good luck. Blog Out HooRoo Rebecca

posted by Rebecca @ 11/25/2005 08:55:00 am 0 Wise Cracks

Out popped this sucker

Hi Ballarat Road, and other non arterial highways. Well it is finally done. My ingrown toenail has been removed, and I am feeling much better now, except for the fever and pain that is. I'm thinking that Hillbilly Mom and I might have a bit of a connection, when it comes to anesthetic. You see, she recently woke up during surgery (I think it was to remove her humourous gland), and could remember everything that was being said. Now my toe was just a local anesthetic, a simple case of two needles into, one each into either side of the base of the toe, wait five minutes and then the hacking takes place. But no, not with me. After 40 minutes, and ten injections, I could still feel the toe, full sensation, no effect whatsoever from the anesthetic. The doctor told me I might need to have a full anesthetic, because that was as much as he could possibly give me. No way to that I said, I'll put up with the pain, start cutting.

A few minutes later, out popped this sucker. He said it was one of the worst examples of an ingrown toe he had ever seen. While it doesn't show up to clearly in the photo, what was happening was about the top third, or about 7 millimetres was actually curving under the inside of the end of my toe. Every time I walked, with each step I took, I was actually walking on the toe nail, no wonder it hurt so much. The doctor made a real nice job of cutting it out and took no short cuts. I know this for a fact because I watched the entire thing happen. After the nail was removed that wasn't the end of it though, the base of the nail still had to be burnt out, and everything pulled together so that the toe had a nice edge. While I was having this removed, the doctor made use of the semi numb toe, to also remove a wart I had. This wart had actually been burnt off about 4 times before, but like Steve Guttenburg, kept coming back to haunt. Hopefully this time, the wart will be gone for good.

Now that the nail is out, it is off enjoying the freedom it now has. As quick as a flash, it was out there, soaking up it's new found fame, and cashing in on anything it possibly can. Proof of which can bee seen in the next photo, where the toenail makes a guest appearance in the new Harry Potter movie, Harry Potter and the Half-cut Toe Nail. Yeah, I know, it is a really bad joke, but I couldn't find any decent photos of Paris Hilton to put the toe with, so I had to go for something else with a lot of international fame. Well I now have a couple of days off work, so that I can recover. While I was doing that, I thought I might go raid visit Hillmomba. I'll be back soon. Blog Out HooRoo Rebecca

posted by Rebecca @ 11/23/2005 07:21:00 am 2 Wise Cracks

A serious/concerned kind

Hi Tram Tracks, and other non Checkrailled things. Well, it is Monday morning, and as in most offices around the world, the issue of milk is being debated. One of the main problems with office milk, is the milk thief. This person works in a few different ways, which I will discuss shortly, but at the end of the day, the result is the same, no milk. Your average milk thief, will do one of the following.

• If milk is provided by your place of employment, they will take home any milk they seem to think they need, leaving none for anyone else.
• If people have to buy their own milk, the milk thief will just use it, because it is there, before leaving the empty carton in the fridge.
• If the milk has gone off, they leave it there for someone else to deal with.

So here is a good way to work out just who the milk thief is, and teach them a lesson at the same time. On an open carton of milk, write your name, followed by the words "Urine Sample". Then place the milk back into the fridge. When you notice that the milk has been used, ask who has used the contents of the milk carton, in a serious/concerned kind of way. The first person who has a bit of a laugh about your "joke" of writing "Urine Sample" on the milk, is the milk thief. But your fun does not stop there. You now move into the very worried/extremely concerned expression, and ask why they drank something that was clearly marked "Urine Sample", by this stage, they will still be joking around, going along with the joke, saying they know it was "just milk". You then tell them something along the lines of this:

You see, I am suffering from an infrequent biological problem, that is causing my urine to appear very cloudy, almost milk like at times. I noticed this when going to the toilet before, and seeing as though my doctor was after a sample of this, I grabbed the first container that I could find, while crossing my legs to hold on, and we all know how hard that is to do. The first thing I could find that was anywhere near suitable was the empty milk container, kind of ironic, don't you think, given the medical issue at hand.

As you say this, their face will be turning green, and the war has been won. From this point on, they will buy their own milk. Blog Out HooRoo Rebecca

posted by Rebecca @ 11/21/2005 10:26:00 am 3 Wise Cracks

Stolen from Rachy

posted by Rebecca @ 11/17/2005 07:01:00 pm 4 Wise Cracks

I could put up some examples

Hi End Of Year invitations, and other non RSVP cards. Well blogger is playing up again, so I can't post the post I intended to post, so instead I am posting this post, in which I really don't know what I will be posting about, but hey, it is a post, so there. An interesting Saturday last week. I was handed a Bass guitar, to have a bit of a play. Now I thought back about how long it had been since I had played Bass, and it was 7 years. Since then I really hadn't played it at all. Well there was the occcsasional riff, but nothing serious, and even that stopped about 3 years ago. One thing I really noticed was just how much I REALLY SUCK at playing Bass now. Not only couldn't I remember any songs, I couldn't get my fingers to move to play the notes. Then when I did get something happening, I was dropping into guitar chords, and it sounded like crap. It made me want to do two things. One, keep playing, and work hard at remembering everything. Two, cut my fingernails so I could actually play what I wanted to play. In the end I just gave up, and thought about going back to my first musical love of drumming. Given it has been about 15 years since I seriously played the drums, this will just stay as a thought, and no animals will be harmed. I am still looking for a place to move to, so much searching on the net is happening. One thing that has really taken my notice is just how bad real estate people are at taking photos. Now I wish I could put up some examples here, but curse you blogger (Grrrrr!), so instead I will just have to describe some of the DON'T's they DO.

• Horizon lines are always at a 10 degree angle or more.
• Blinds are opened wide, so the photo is backlit and you can't see the details of inside the house.
• No need to wind down your window or even stop for that matter, just point and click from a moving car.
• Stand in the middle of a room to take a photo. People only want to see half of a toilet and a basin, instead of the whole bathroom.
• It doesn't matter if a car is parked in front of the place, take the photo anyway, it adds character.

I kind of wish there was a market for taking decent photos for Real Estate, but having worked in the industry, I know they are all cheap arse turds, not worthy of such quality. In other news; Suspected Terrorists have been arrested in both Melbourne and Sydney. Police have said this has made massive differences to the safety of Australia. I would have to agree with this fact. Now, when you stagger out of a pub at three o'clock in the morning, it is impossible to get a kebab from a roadside van. OK, so that last political comment was very lame. I think I will leave the political comments to Rachy at Legless, she has her finger on the buzzer when it comes to that kind of stuff. In other news for me, I went shoe shopping, but once again, thanks to blogger, I can't show you the results just yet. I had intended to just get a pair of sandals for use next week, when I have my ingrown toenail cut out, look forward to the post on that. Instead of just the sandals, I walked out of there two hours later, and $360 poorer, but I have another three pairs of shoes. I guess that is my Christmas shopping done. Finally after much thinking about it, I've decided to put a photo of my boy on here. For those of you who want to see it, this is the link Boys.jpg. This photo was taken the last time I was them, August 21, 2004. I am in two minds right now. I could push to get to see them, but that would still take at least six month, and in the next six months I have a lot on my plate with finishing up my training course at work, and getting a few things sorted out in my life. If I pushed to see them, the other things could fail due to the extra pressure, which would mean a poor quality of life for some time. If I just wait until the court case comes up in a little over a year, then by then, I will be set for life, and able to give them a much better life. Problem is, that is putting my kids on hold, because I have more important things to do, and as every parent knows, nothing is more important than your kids. I guess I have a lot to think about. Well that is enough crapping on for one day. Blog Out HooRoo Rebecca

posted by Rebecca @ 11/13/2005 09:22:00 am 7 Wise Cracks

All Sneeze Beclakia! So that Hillbilly Mom thinks we stole her Crown? Well she is not right there, and I will prove it. When we heard the Crown was missing, we rejoiced. We rejoiced so much, we decided to take the piss out of it, and hold a "Take the piss out of Hillmomba day" celebration. Beclakians from all walks of life showed off their fine creations, a selection of which are presented here:

Our guest judge Groucho Marx really enjoyed the day, despite the fact we had dug up his grave and re-animated him. Mind you he was kind of more annoyed when we buried him again. Next time maybe we should make sure he is dead again first. The childrens' section was won by this young lady. She was then sent away to a home for the mentally insane. Of course the day was not with out incident. A spy from Hillmomba was there, but being the typical Hillmomban he is, we knew it was him. We will return your spy Hillbilly Mom, when you return our lawn mower.

posted by Rebecca @ 11/10/2005 08:07:00 am 2 Wise Cracks

Pissed Off

Hey Blogger! Can I please post the last three blogs I have done, or are you still crapping on???

posted by Rebecca @ 11/08/2005 07:57:00 pm 1 Wise Cracks

Sure it was a Vegas thing

Hi Bees and other non stingy things. So there I was the other night, in a bit of a half dream. I seem to be doing a lot of dreaming lately, must have something to do with working regular hours. I must put a stop to that soon. Anyway, back to this dream. I am having some surgery done soon, and I just happen to be dreaming about having surgery done in general, not about the op I am having. Now things were a little weird in this dream, and I will fore warn my American readers, you may have to google a fair bit of this dream to truly understand it, but here goes. I was taken to a farm in the back of a Sandman, that was decked out with shagpile carpet, and a sun lounge. This farm actually reminded me a lot of the bird enclosures at the Royal Melbourne Zoo, not the big aviary, just the standard bird enclosures. I went into the operating room, which was your standard theatre, except for a moose head on the wall, and an old icebox to one side. I was given the anesthestic and nodded off to sleep, but then woke up during the surgery. The doctor looked at me and asked what I was doing. "Umm, I'm just having a look, I want to see what you are doing." I said. "Well go back to sleep, you are being operated on!" He replied. So I went back to sleep, but woke again shortly. "What is it this time?" The doctor retorted to me. "I have to go to the toilet." I said. So with that, he stormed off out of the room. I got up off the operating table, and even with the open wound, which was very clean, and not dripping blood or anything, I went off to the toilet. When I returned to the room, I saw the doctor riding off into the sunset on a shetland pony. A voice called out to me from behind me in the room. "You look really tired, but don't worry, I can help." I quickly turned around to see Richard Wilkins standing there. He wandered over to the icebox, and took out a tub of homebrand margarine. He walked up to me, and whipped it all over my face. I said to him "How can I ever thank you Richard?" He just took off, jumping through a window, and straight into the back of his Gemini wagon, which was filled with the best sound system you have ever seen, and drove off somewhere doing burn outs all the way. Thankfully before things got really strange, I woke up. So there you have it, another one of my dreams. Oh and in other news, some of you may know that Hillbilly Mom has restarted her feud with me. Well Hillbilly Mom, when you start a feud with me, you start a feud with the whole of Beclakia. While you may have thought the good people of Beclakia were up to nothing, they have in fact, been digging up dirt from your past. As you will see below, we have found a photo from your first marriage. Sure it was a Vegas thing, that lasted for only a fraction of the time Britney Spears marriage was for, but we think you made a lovely couple.

posted by Rebecca @ 11/05/2005 10:11:00 am 2 Wise Cracks

If they still said no

Hi Spatula's, and other non flat cooking devices. It's hot, bloody hot. So Hillbilly Mom will call me a cry baby because it is only 33C or 91.4F today, but given two days ago, and as it has been for months now, it was only 18C or 64.4F (as you can see, that is the reason why we changed to Celsius, nothing ends in 0.4), the night temperature has jumped form an average of 8C or 46.4F ( again with the 0.4) to last night being 23C or 73 point, you guessed it, FOUR! But that is not the reason for this blogging, and neither is the next bit, it is just me opening myself up for abuse. You see, I've been blogging now for quite a while, in fact, it has been a year. Happy birthday to my blog..... Anyway, as I said, I've been blogging for a while now, and I have had a few people in that time ask me about the name of the blog "Rants of a Rebecca". Why is it named as such? Well, I decided to call it Rants of a Rebecca, because I am not THE Rebecca, I'm just A Rebecca. Then today as I was commenting on someone else's blog, I made a major discovery. Call me slow, but I realised that if I just used the acronym, my blog name is ROAR. How dumb am I? No answers for that one please, I am already kicking myself over all the fun I could have had with that name in the last year. Oh well, I'll learn myself something next time I guess. But still, that is not the reason for this blog entry, this is: For a while now, I have been thinking about putting up a photo of my boys. A photo from the last time I saw them, over a year ago. My reasons for not having put their photo on here before is I respect peoples' privacy. My boys have not given me permission to put their photo here yet, so I feel like I would be doing the wrong thing by them if I did. You see I never went into their bedrooms with out knocking on the door first. If I was putting their clothes away in their drawers, I would ask if I could go in there first. They always said yes, and that I was silly asking, but it was their private space, so it was up to them if I did or didn't. A couple of times, they would say not to go into their room. I would tell them why I wanted to go in, and if they still said no, then I would wait until they would let me. For me this is just common respect for others. I am the same if someone says to me to get something out of their bag for them. I bring the bag to them, and let them get whatever it is out. It is their private property, not mine to go looking through. So the big question remains. Should I put a photo of my kids here on the blog for you all to see, or should I just wait until I eventually see them again to ask if I can? Decisions, decisions. Blog Out HooRoo Rebecca

posted by Rebecca @ 11/02/2005 06:57:00 pm 4 Wise Cracks

Due to the rough conditions

Hi Wall tiles, and other non decorative ceramics. Well in comments to my last post, Hillbilly Mom asked if there were any fences in Australia. Well Hillbilly Mom, I'm glad you asked, because on todays adventure, we are going to another website, where we are stealing heaps of their content, for a posting here. It is a fascinating story of the commonly named Rabbit Proof Fence, but to not breach any copywrite laws concerning the film of the same name, we are going to use the offical name of State Barrier Fence. (Rebecca Comments in italics)

In 1896, Arthur Gregory Mason reported that rabbits were at least two hundred miles past the South Australian border and inside Western Australia at the town of Eucla. His recommendation to the government was to build a rabbit proof fence. Nothing was done about the fence until 1901, because they were busy with a few other things at the time, like footy and cricket. Seven years of hard work followed - gangs of men, teams of horses, mules, camels, wagons, carts, picks and shovels, and a lot of sweat and tired muscles. When the fence was completed it was the longest fence in the world, stretching from Starvation Boat Harbour, just west of Esperance in the south, to Wallal on the 80 Mile Beach in the north west. A job well done, except for the fact that; Even before completion, the rabbits were past the fence and work had begun on Fences No.2 and 3. By 1908 the three fences were complete, over 3,000km of fenceline in total! Although the construction of the fences was finished, someone was needed to patrol and maintain them. Alex Crawford was appointed the first Chief Inspector of Rabbits and was required to inspect and maintain the fences. Everything inside the fence became known, jokingly, as Crawford's Paddock. Everything outside of the fence was referrred to as FREEDOM! Western Australia was a harsh place back then, and in some towns today, things have gone backwards. Inspecting the fence was an immense task. Crawford had many work parties to assist him, but the country was rough and in many areas water was scarce or non-existent.

Without water, the use of horses to carry out the fence inspection was difficult. Also the horses found it difficult to write down information on the state of the fence, due to not having an opposable thumb. When camels were used, it was found that inspection of the fence was unsatisfactory from atop a beast, these beasts were also referred to as Crawfords wives, so bicycles were given a go - a short lived experiment due to the rough conditions and many flat tyres!

In 1910, a motor vehicle was purchased to carry out the inspection, but was also to prove unsatisfactory, due to there not being a good enough sound system in the car, also fluffy dice were at least fifty years off being invented. After many punctures and broken springs it had to be towed slowly back to camp by camels! In the end the only workable solution for the inspection teams were buckboard buggies pulled by pairs of camels. Despite the best efforts to stop the rabbits at the barrier fence, all was to fail. Erosion under the fences, holes in the wire and gates left open allowed rabbits to continue their movement west into the fertile agricultural areas. Ten rabbits could eat as much as one sheep. In their hundreds of thousands they ate out pasture, ring-barked trees and devoured crops.

So there you have it Hillbilly Mom, proof that we do have a couple of fences here in the land of Oz. Thanks for writing to us here at the Leyand Brothers err, I mean Rants of a Rebecca. Stay tuned for more exciting adventures, next time we see you. Blog Out HooRoo Rebecca

posted by Rebecca @ 11/01/2005 11:01:00 am 5 Wise Cracks